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  <a href="/reflections/blog/5445408/lillie-ruth">Lillie Ruth</a>&nbsp;<span class='reset-font'>&nbsp;<span class="podcast"><img src="//assets-app-production-pubnet.bndzgl.com/assets/usersites/podcast-ff0f451d9e650aa49c1c887f1b4eab6655e151de0aba4c11a992f6637163c058.png" /></span></span>
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  <div class="message"><p>We're watching a documentary on Quincy Jones.</p>
<p>Snapshots of Obama honoring Quincy Jones.</p>
<p>Quincy talking about a nervous breakdown and really a breakdown of his entire personal life; he was on empty; he was running. He then took time to reassess his priorities and then move forward. </p>
<p>The scenes from the opening of the <a contents="National Museum of African American History and Culture" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://nmaahc.si.edu/" target="_blank">National Museum of African American History and Culture</a>. The landing page for their site reads "A People's Journey, A Nation’s History".</p>
<p>Back on the documentary, Ray Charles sings "America, A-merica..." also one of the best I've heard.</p>
<p>A stark contrast of the political reality we are in which warps time. Now seems like forever, but now is just now, just under a year!</p>
<p>Also just under a year is how long we've been in Grass Valley, and that is a decision that has reinforced itself DAILY. It is the smell of actual foliage in the air. It is the air itself. It is space, and grass, and community. It's not without it's challenges. It's still hard to juggle child care. There are still things being figured out.</p>
<p>- </p>
<p>The mixes of the new tracks are officially done. Eli recommends Miles Boisen or John Cohrs. Both seem great. Going to John Cohrs page I see he just finished a <a contents="Tony Conrad archive project" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://musicandthemindofthe.world/">Tony Conrad archive project</a>. I'm sad to remember that Tony Conrad passed away. I was lucky to meet him through Issue Project Room. I don't know how I ever ended up at Issue Project Room, or anywhere really. I've somehow been exposed to a lot of incredible art throughout.</p>
<p>I remember Suzanne Fiol. I am reminded of her every other day. Suzanne Way is on my jogging path. A friend in the woods.</p>
<p>Lillie Ruth was written during those years.</p>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2018-09-26T22:10:23-07:00" title="September 26, 2018 22:10">09/26/2018</span></p>

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  <a href="/reflections/blog/5434629/you-me-and-everyone-we-know">You Me And Everyone We Know</a>&nbsp;<span class='reset-font'>&nbsp;<span class="podcast"><img src="//assets-app-production-pubnet.bndzgl.com/assets/usersites/podcast-ff0f451d9e650aa49c1c887f1b4eab6655e151de0aba4c11a992f6637163c058.png" /></span></span>
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  <div class="message"><p>This week, in thinking about you, you here with me, reading this, I thought about a collage of episodes. </p>
<p>It's the racist cartoon of Serena combined with the Kavanaugh accusation, ovrerlayed with a pitcure of Anita Hill.</p>
<p>It's the overt and yet somehow less overt because it is absorbed and accepted into our daily being of regular ignorances: race, age, sex. </p>
<p>Rinse and repeat.</p>
<p>It's you, me, and every woman I know medicating with alcohol, coffee, marijuana, or more. And to be clear, this is NOT a judgment. It's an observation about how it's not just a solo internal experience. I'm also not necessarily talking about extremities.When I say medicating, I mean lifting the mood in any way without the internal effort. So that's one cup of coffee, one drink, etc. It's that me, you, and everyone we know can't actually <em>not</em> do it. Go ahead, try. It's harder than you want to think to not have any of these little things.</p>
<p>On the upside, it's almost November. And what I mean by that is that we're almost to that point we've been waiting for, where it's time to show up. More than ever before women are running for office. Will they win? You tell me.</p>
<p>Voting is one way of showing up, and it's not the only way. People are showing up all over the place, and it's important. To show up.</p>
<p>Oddly enough, though, showing up is still my problem.</p>
<p>Thankfully, I literally ran into my friend Larry this week in Brooklyn. By ran in, I mean I was running to exercise and ran into him. He seems good and it made me happy to see him. I have to send him my newer tracks. He asked me about labels. I don't even know what that means. guess I'll find out through him. I told him how I realized I've spent alot of energy to create music and no energy to promote it. I shared with him how I ignored the emails from Karel. How I wanted to disappear before I read them. He understood. It's a different energy. somehow. to promote vs. create.</p>
<p>I can share an update about the tracks: Eli sent the mixes and they sound great, so now it's about mastering. Next step.</p>
<p>And of course mastering and videos are more money, more money than I have to create the things I'm envisioning. It's great fuel for continuous retreating. Think limited! Ugh.</p>
<p>Five or so years ago I attended a seminar in NYC where they revealed that on average artists go about $10,000 into debt to support their work. That sounds about right. And I don't know what else to say except we have to do it; we have to make it. We can't stop.</p>
<p>I'm also reminded of this quote from Richard Branson "If somebody offers you an amazing opportunity but you are not sure you can do it, say yes – then learn how to do it later!”</p>
<p>In contrast, right now, there is a Frontline episode on right now about Harvey Weinstein documenting just how long it has taken to address the ugly truth.</p>
<p>Be visible?</p></div>
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  <a href="/reflections/blog/5425222/little-door-lets-it-in">Little Door Lets It In</a>&nbsp;<span class='reset-font'>&nbsp;<span class="podcast"><img src="//assets-app-production-pubnet.bndzgl.com/assets/usersites/podcast-ff0f451d9e650aa49c1c887f1b4eab6655e151de0aba4c11a992f6637163c058.png" /></span></span>
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  <div class="message"><p><i>I want to forget myself. </i></p>
<p><i>I want to forget the moment I thought I had to do x, y, or z instead of getting straight to it. </i></p>
<p><i>You know what I mean.  </i></p>
<p><i>Out of the this and that and too much contemplation and straight into action and more consecutive action. </i></p>
<p><i>Isn't it funny that way?  </i></p>
<p><i>Motion propels motion. </i></p>
<p><i>So MOVE!  </i></p>
<p><i>NOW!  </i></p>
<p><i>one tiny little bit is enough.  </i></p>
<p><i>Til you remember: </i></p>
<p><i>You are movement. That’s all there is for you. </i></p></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2018-09-11T23:16:48-07:00" title="September 11, 2018 23:16">09/11/2018</span></p>

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  <a href="/reflections/blog/5414383/birthday">Birthday</a>&nbsp;<span class='reset-font'>&nbsp;<span class="podcast"><img src="//assets-app-production-pubnet.bndzgl.com/assets/usersites/podcast-ff0f451d9e650aa49c1c887f1b4eab6655e151de0aba4c11a992f6637163c058.png" /></span></span>
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  <div class="message"><p>It's mine today! Here's a song I wrote in 2010. </p>
<p><iframe allowfullscreen="true" allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" height="420" scrolling="no" src="https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2FMichelleMarieAmador%2Fvideos%2F10150267220735122%2F&amp;show_text=0&amp;width=560" style="border:none;overflow:hidden" width="560"></iframe></p>
<p>I walked this and a few more songs this old and older last weekend with Tim Bulkley on drums and Scott Prawalski on bass from <a contents="Bear Flag Trio" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3e5urnLclR4" target="_blank">Bear Flag Trio</a>. It was an exciting first rehearsal after what's been a pretty long break for me. It also feels nice to approach songs like this after so many years in between. I'm excited about how this and other songs will sound!</p>
<p>This year's birthday includes a day off from work, yoga, and a 1-hour phone session with Sarajane Case to develop my launch plan for the new music and show broadcast idea that is brewing in my head. I'm sure many more things will come from it if the course outline is any indication...and this is just through September and early October.</p>
<p><img src="//images.zoogletools.com/u/57215/f1e3cffd30d818c76fb756a772d123145779e15f/original/courseoutline2.png/!!/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsIm1lZGl1bSJdXQ==.png" class="size_m justify_none border_" /></p>
<p><br>Hope you have a great day today! Happy Birthday!</p></div>
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<h2 class="heading-secondary heading-blog alt-font">
  <a href="/reflections/blog/5408280/poof-you-re-back-in-it">* Poof! * You&#39;re Back In It</a>&nbsp;<span class='reset-font'>&nbsp;<span class="podcast"><img src="//assets-app-production-pubnet.bndzgl.com/assets/usersites/podcast-ff0f451d9e650aa49c1c887f1b4eab6655e151de0aba4c11a992f6637163c058.png" /></span></span>
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  <div class="message"><p>It’s true you need to change your habits by your own effort, but sometimes you need a catalyst. Maybe it’s a fast (on purpose or on accident from the flu!). Maybe it’s a change of wall colors. Maybe you chop all your hair off. Maybe you give away all of your clothes or get rid of every old thing you never use. To turn you away from the old distractions. </p>
<p>Lucky for me I've had all of the above. And now its fall. </p>
<p>The air is cold. It's an activator. Where did it come from? From left, going right and forward and swirling down. It was just a thread. A pin. A note. How does it know where it's going? </p>
<p>It softly shakes the trees. Time to get up soon. You've been sleeping in the sun. Heart open. Golden sun soak. But now the cold glint tickles your nose, it rustles you a little, you have to move; it's time to move. </p>
<p>I feel lighter. I'm running.</p>
<p>I smile. I laugh! </p>
<p>------------&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;There’s time for everything.&lt;&lt;&lt;&lt;&lt;&lt;------------------------</p>
<p>There is time for everything. It's what I was searching for. This gift that's been there, waiting for me to align. </p>
<p>I found you current! Ha HA!</p>
<p>This time I’ll keep with you. I'll run trough the woods. Forwards and backwards dancing along the gravel. </p>
<p>What a gift. </p>
<p>Isn’t that the magic of life? </p>
<p>* Poof! * </p>
<p>YOU'RE BACK IN IT.</p></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2018-08-30T16:22:08-07:00" title="August 30, 2018 16:22">08/30/2018</span></p>

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  <a href="/reflections/blog/5396758/you-make-me-want-to-share-you">You Make Me Want To Share You</a>&nbsp;<span class='reset-font'>&nbsp;<span class="podcast"><img src="//assets-app-production-pubnet.bndzgl.com/assets/usersites/podcast-ff0f451d9e650aa49c1c887f1b4eab6655e151de0aba4c11a992f6637163c058.png" /></span></span>
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  <div class="message"><p><em>In your purest form, your most raw or silly, you make me want to share you. </em></p>
<p><em>I want to find whatever it is you need to get to whatever next place you are going.</em></p>
<p><em>If I can, I want to introduce you to your hero, so you know: you belong. </em></p>
<p><em>,so you know you're not alone; so I know I'm not either. </em></p>
<p><em>But I don't always find the channels. </em></p>
<p><em>I can't always bridge the chasm in our world.</em></p>
<p><em>I only have You.</em></p>
<p><em>Your story - our story. And the opportunity to remember:</em></p>
<p><em>"Love is a continuum".</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Special thanks to Diana Tsuchida for posting <a contents="this video" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYwgSNRS9nA&amp;feature=youtu.be" target="_blank">this video</a> which inspired the above, and reminded me that we can't always imagine what will be. Leadership is active; it lives only in this moment.</p>
<p>That's all for this week, folks.</p>
<p>Much love,</p>
<p>Michelle</p></div>
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  <div class="message"><p>Earlier this week I thought this post would open with an acknowledgement that I am an incredibly lucky person. As I write it, it looks pretty arrogant, but that's not how I mean it. I mean my life, as I've lived it, has proven to be pretty lucky. Incredibly lucky to the point of not always being able to explain how lucky. </p>
<p>Luck, coincidence, whatever you call it happened again this weekend when attending a wedding of a friend from the East Coast who now lives on the West Coast. Among the attendees of the intimate wedding? One of my college roommates, <a contents="Jennifer Colliau" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://longnow.org/people/staff/jennifer/" target="_blank">Jennifer Colliau</a>, whom I hadn't seen in 20 years. It turns out that my friend who was getting married, had, of all places in the Bay Area, secured a job in a bar managed by my college roommate whom I have not seen for 20 years. This is the kind of coincidental circumstance that happens regularly for me. That's what I mean by luck.</p>
<p>Luck is a funny thing though, right? What is luck?  Interestingly, if you look up "luck" the defintion is not just positive:</p>
<p>From Mirriam-Webster luck is "success or failure apparently brought by chance rather than through one's own actions" </p>
<p>That changes it a bit. Who wants to be lucky?? And of course, there are many who say success can only come with failure, so...right back around.</p>
<p>In any case, it was nice to see Jen. She's opening a bar across from The Fox Theater in Oakland soon. Will look forward to seeing some of you there!</p>
<p>I've had a weird dance with luck. I'm superstitious about it. I think I have to live in gratitude to have access to it, and I have fears of my life any time I think I may have jeopardized whatever weird luck I have. </p>
<p>Do you see this? The dichotomy? </p>
<p>On the one hand, I am very lucky. On the other hand, everything can and will fall apart unexpectedly.</p>
<p>On the one hand, I live in gratitude and can feel I am riding on an unseen current, effortlessly gliding to new and great things. On the other hand, my own imperfections - poor decisions made, or really even anything less than best decisions made - terrify me into thinking I will be disconnected from that luck.</p>
<p>It's not logical...in case you're trying to add it up.<br><br>Here's some luck and imperfection all in one. At this same wedding, placed in the woods (where kids play in the dirt), my son began to play in the dusty dirt and was soon covered head to toe in it. I didn't want to stop him and the environment seemed nurturing of a 3.5 year old being able to dig and play. It was a wedding in the woods and people were camping etc. Still, when a guest pointed out how nice it was to see a child play in the dirt, how they would never see that in the foreign country that they were from, I could only hear it as a comment on imperfection. His behavior and mine were imperfect. To someone. A stranger. I let it pass through my head and decided I had made the right decision, though I just wished it wasn't such dusty dirt. Now isn't that gross? An appearance closer to perfection would apparently have appeased my ego. I guess in a sense, I'm lucky it was such dusty dirt. There's no real mistaking it or glossing it over into something else.</p>
<p>Back on the luck side, in my son's dusty adventures he found three marbles in three separate locations in about a soccer field size area. I don't know if you've ever placed a glass marble in very dusty dirt, but it pretty much becomes invisible. Yet, he found not one but three marbles. (He also found one today in an unsuspecting location on the side of the road.) Pretty lucky!</p>
<p>Here's a weird thing...typing this all out makes me consider how these two - Luck and Imperfection - have been coexisting all along. </p>
<p>I am very lucky, and everything can and will fall apart unexpectedly.</p>
<p>I am imperfect, and I am still lucky, and everything can and will fall apart unexpectedly.</p>
<p>Crap.</p>
<p>I had a moment last week where I remembered Suzanne Fiol. She's also on my jogging path with a street sign for SUZANNE. I miss her. If you didn't know her, this obituary says some good things: http://www.brooklynvegan.com/suzanne-fiol-is/ (I also love the URL for this: Suzanne Fiol Is)</p>
<p>I also can't believe the insane chaos that was endured when she passed. What a kind of lonely hell that was! So many people wanting to fulfill her dream and having only their versions of what she envisioned. Maybe that's the point, but it sure was hard. It's hard not to have someone to check in with. It's hard to challenge yourself to make the best decisions that are also the hardest decisions. It's hard to get along with other people! It's hard to trust. It's hard to be honest.</p>
<p>It's also hard to lead other people when you have no way of translating your gut, when you know luck, and when you know what direction to go in and need no map. Other people need maps, and you kind of have to provide them.</p>
<p>I know...talking in rambles here. That's how it goes this week.</p>
<p>Thanks for being here and thanks for listening.</p>
<p>P.S. This is Mama. Photo by Harrison Bulkley.</p>
<p><img src="//images.zoogletools.com/u/57215/73eb6e200b0da2ee8c1ea9de489848766eabfeef/original/thisismama.jpg/!!/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsIm1lZGl1bSJdXQ==.jpg" class="size_m justify_left border_" /></p>
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<h2 class="heading-secondary heading-blog alt-font">
  <a href="/reflections/blog/5373169/you-have-to-get-your-hands-dirty">You Have to Get Your Hands Dirty</a>&nbsp;<span class='reset-font'>&nbsp;<span class="podcast"><img src="//assets-app-production-pubnet.bndzgl.com/assets/usersites/podcast-ff0f451d9e650aa49c1c887f1b4eab6655e151de0aba4c11a992f6637163c058.png" /></span></span>
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  <div class="message"><p>You have to get your hands dirty. </p>
<p>You have to look at the stack of papers that will help you move forward and stop dragging them around for any more weeks. It's been a month. The edges are frayed, even!  </p>
<p>What do the papers say? Same stuff as the goals post. They say where you're supposed to be and possibly where you aren't.  </p>
<p>You have to get your hands dirty with commitment, and be uncomfortable, and be OK with that discomfort.</p>
<p>You have to let up on drinking because the 25 pounds is not going to lose itself. </p>
<p>You have to stop leaning on coffee to make it through the day.  </p>
<p>You have to actually reach out and connect with other human beings, and count on them. </p>
<p>Count on them to: </p>
<p>Help you. <br>Understand you. <br>Guide and advise you. <br>Show you shortcuts to your best self. <br>Keep you in motion. </p>
<p>Keep you in motion. Keep you in motion. Keep you in motion. </p>
<p>That was much easier when it was anonymous in a City. </p>
<p><strong>OK!! Enough stalling... Let's look at the papers. How do I really stack up?  </strong></p>
<p><strong>#1 Career: successfully plan </strong><strong>album</strong><strong> release</strong> </p>
<p>I contacted Eli to see if the tracks are done.  I took a webinar by <a contents="Jasmine Star" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.instagram.com/jasminestar/?hl=en" target="_blank">Jasmine Star</a> about social media posting. She emphasized consistency, which is one big anti-magnet. Why is consistency so hard right now? I talked to my friend Dawn Carlson who is an amazing designer and manages the marketing for her business <a contents="MAS Design" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://mas-interior-design.com/" target="_blank">MAS Design</a>. I didn't actually ask her any questions about marketing, though. Oops. Stalls. I thought about writing to <a contents="Nikki McClure" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://nikkimcclure.com/" target="_self">Nikki </a><a contents="Nikki McClure" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://nikkimcclure.com/" target="_self">McClure</a>, but then chickened out. I did not reach out to Ryan.</p>
<p><strong>#2 Health: Exercise Daily </strong></p>
<p>I am running 3-4x per week.  </p>
<p>I am not doing yoga 10 minutes a day. I am doing 1 stretch for like 2 minutes 3 times a week. I am better about packing my lunch but still not so great at making sure to do it. I have reduced alcohol. I have not gone to sleep earlier. I have reduced coffee most days and replaced it with water.  </p>
<p><strong>#3 Creativity: Be Visible, Show Up, Collaborate, Perform </strong></p>
<p>I did not look at that song from Evan’s friend. I did not reach out to Clevenger, Mezzacappa, or Sadigursky. I did not book any dates in NYC. I have not started broadcasting songs. I found out how and where to book a show in my area and have not made the call to book the shows, and subsequent rehearsals. I did try and nudge a friend to do a recording of his music at our house this fall. I did perform as Penny Youngman and separately as myself. </p>
<p><strong>#4 Happiness: Be More Present, Expand Culinary Skills </strong></p>
<p>I have not started regular meditation. I did not sign up for a culinary course. I did find individual recipes and try out unusual things for dinner meals. I did not start planning meals for the week on Sundays. I did book a babysitter once a week to make a date night possible! I have reduced dark mental dwelling greatly and have been more forgiving and curious about my own idiosyncrasies. I did make fresh blackberry jam!</p>
<p>That's funny. I feel kind of OK.  </p>
<p>Hmmm. </p>
<p>P.S. ”I love you just the way you are.” (Thanks Mr. Rogers and Nicholas Ma for making ”<a contents="Won't You Be My Neighbor" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://focusfeatures.com/wont-you-be-my-neighbor/" target="_blank">Won't You Be My Neighbor</a>” - Go see it now.)</p></div>
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  <a href="/reflections/blog/5361856/introducing-penny-youngman">Introducing Penny Youngman</a>&nbsp;<span class='reset-font'>&nbsp;<span class="podcast"><img src="//assets-app-production-pubnet.bndzgl.com/assets/usersites/podcast-ff0f451d9e650aa49c1c887f1b4eab6655e151de0aba4c11a992f6637163c058.png" /></span></span>
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  <div class="message"><p>Sometimes you have to outside to go inside. </p>
<p>When I was in theater school at USC, there was an acting exercise where you would exaggerate your interpretation of lines, which would help you discover new colors and dimensions for expression that wouldn't be apparent to you without stretching. I've used that exercise regularly to get outside of my preconceived notion of my voice for singing.</p>
<p>I mention this exercise, because it also holds true for finding new dimensions to your humanity. Sometimes you have to leave your house, go outside, walk by water, be off the clock, lose your cell phone, etc. to be able to center yourself. </p>
<p>And that brings me to Penny Youngman. Three years ago Penny was born out of a wig and a great party. I was at an annual gathering of friends. A ridiculous somewhat square-shaped-headed blonde/pink wig with braids was available. I put it on to be funny, and then proceeded to be seriously ridiculous. At this gathering there was an annual Hootenanny for friends to perform, and I proceeded to do a small stand up act. It was decided in the moment. I would re-tell Henny Youngman's jokes. Reading from my cell phone, in this ridiculous wig, I read the jokes, and as the outdated words spilled from my mouth I found myself yelling a loud "WHAT?" in response, followed by that familiar rim shot sound, the live drum punchline response. Penny's first performance also included an element of slapstick; I think this first year involved me setting the microphone so preposterously high that I had to jump to tell these jokes. </p>
<p>The next year's gathering came. There was that same wig and there was the microphone. I decided I would cartwheel on and off the stage and tell 2 or maybe it was 3 jokes. The first involved allowing the audience to watch me work hard to get as close to the ground as possible with my body and the microphone. Then, after a beat, Penny said "I call this "How Low Can You Go". I can't recall her second joke that night. The closing joke involved lying on my back with my feet and legs in the air - feet adorned with socks pulled up and placed in flip flops. I did a little 1-2 scissor dance with my legs and then in the microphone whispered "SOXY!"<br><br>This year, Penny would be a premeditated act. One day as I was jogging to Justin Timberlake's Mirrors, <a contents="the lyrics" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/justintimberlake/mirrors.html" target="_blank">the lyrics</a> seemed too perfect for the times we are in. It was settled. Penny would impersonate Donald Trump in an outrageous dance routine, singing to himself in the mirror, "You reflect me, I love that about you. And if I could, I would look at us all the time." Midway through this comedy, Trump would transform into Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and begin to sing to the audience "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow's a mystery. Oooh!" finally making an ultimate transformation into Princess Leia singing "Girl you're my reflection, all I see is you. My reflection, in everything I do."</p>
<p>It would be incredible, hysterical, and seriously ridiculous.</p>
<p>And it was.</p>
<p>And then, later in the Hootenanny set, I played an older song of mine, with fresh openness. A clarity that wouldn’t have been there had I not allowed Penny Youngman all of the room to stretch.</p>
<p>Here’s Penny from her 2016 set. A fool in her prime, a fool all the time.<br><img src="//images.zoogletools.com/u/57215/3744728024becf5c7127b773b8fb4d973936fbd9/original/bce38a64-d80b-4f6f-9647-2019bb28b5e5.jpeg/!!/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsInNtYWxsIl1d.jpeg" class="size_s justify_left border_" /></p>
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<p><br>SOXY! <br><br>:)<br><br>P.S. Don't forget to watch the new <a contents="Robin Williams doc" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.hbo.com/documentaries/robin-williams-come-inside-my-mind" target="_blank">Robin Williams doc</a>.</p></div>
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  <a href="/reflections/blog/5342607/morning-and-a-seventh-heaven">Morning and A Seventh Heaven</a>&nbsp;<span class='reset-font'>&nbsp;<span class="podcast"><img src="//assets-app-production-pubnet.bndzgl.com/assets/usersites/podcast-ff0f451d9e650aa49c1c887f1b4eab6655e151de0aba4c11a992f6637163c058.png" /></span></span>
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  <div class="message"><p>Too much to write. Not enough. The thoughts are scattered again, so here they are, again, in pieces.</p>
<p>I'm running around the track.</p>
<p>I'm listening to "<a contents="Morning" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UvKbBkiYN9Y" target="_blank">Morning</a>" by Beck...The album this is on is one of the best-produced albums I've heard. I've listened to it intensely several times for years. Every corner is considered; it's a beautiful reality. It sounds slower than it used to. I wonder if the pace of activity around me when I used to run to this in NY was syncopated into this and so it seemed faster. I am in a slower pace in CA. I feel the shift. I hear it in conversations. I wonder if I come across as slower now to people in NYC. "This morning, I lost all my defenses...won't you show me the way it used to be."</p>
<p>I turn the corner of the track...The image of a bonsai garden comes to mind. Beautifully crafted reality. It's a dance. For a moment, I think about art work as just an atom that an artist has decided to focus on. A focus on one aspect of reality. A push of reality. How we push reality all day. Through our jobs, through our politics, through our art.</p>
<p>"Love keeps coming back, there's nothing left for me to give." as I listen to Sasha Dobson's latest release "<a contents="Nothing Left" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/nothing-left-single/1408332374" target="_blank">Nothing Left</a>" I'm reminded of <em>not </em>pushing reality. Not doing a one-person piano move through life. Not banging my head against the wall. Not working hard; working smart and letting go.</p>
<p>The lyrics to "<a contents="A Seventh Heaven" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://itunes.apple.com/ca/album/a-seventh-heaven/616829755?i=616830585" target="_blank">A Seventh Heaven</a>" by Gordon Stevens, which I had the luxury of singing on, come to mind. Listening to the track Adam Shulman's playing reminds me of Fred Astaire and Tim Volpicella's guitar turns into a horn or a flute in some moments. Gordon called me the other day to share that he'd been thinking about the lyrics lately. "I cannot see what waits for us, nor feel it, could it transport us? To netherlands sublime, beyond the pulse of time, to stars - A Seventh Heaven - who's to know? Will it come quickly? Must we seek it out? What motivation? Quietly withdraw and tempt stagnation? Risk a fatal move to try and catch a glimpse: of what and when and where and why." I haven't called him back; my pulse has been buried.</p>
<p>In the early 2000s I went to an acupuncturist to deal with sluggish allergies. I told her I'd been running outside to try and break out of the sluggishness. She pointed out that I was allergic to pollen and running in it. She told me my pulse was buried.</p>
<p>Activity - activeness - and cities. For all of my city years, I've always had restorative breaks. In these breaks, I've usually gained a stronger sense of self and my art and what I might offer to the world. And each time I would go back to a city and feel lost in the activity, confused on my direction.</p>
<p>I've realized that I associate being active and action-oriented with feeling worthful. Without action, I am worried there's a deep dark truth to confront: that I'm worthless. It feels silly to write, but that's been the driver possibly my whole life. It's one thing to be productive; it's another thing to be productive because you're scared. And I'm terrified. Of being worthless. Of rejection. It's why I've never pushed an album past the point of recording. You can't lose when you don't try, isn't that the phrase? </p>
<p>So now to figure out worth without busy-ness...value without fear of rejection.</p>
<p>Setting goals helps. <a contents="Sarajane Case" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.sarajanecase.com/shop/goalmapping" target="_blank">Sarajane Case</a> advises setting 4 goals every six months along 4 themes. Career, Health, Happiness, Creativity. I'm not used to thinking about all of these areas at the same time. I've certainly focused on Career and Creativity in swings. Health in swings as well. I've never set a goal for happiness before.</p>
<p>Here are those clarified goals for me by December:</p>
<p>Goal 1: Career - Develop a plan to successfully launch the new music I recorded / Create work rituals that settle me down from busy action-ness into thoughtful progression<br>Action steps: Finish tracks (contact <a contents="Eli Crews" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://elicrews.com/wp/" target="_blank">Eli Crews</a>), Find animator (Talk to <a contents="Goh Nakamura" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://gohnakamura.com/" target="_blank">Goh Nakamura</a> and Lisa Schatz), Get PR organized (talk to <a contents="Ryan Hobler" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.ryanhobler.com/" target="_blank">Ryan Hobler</a>), Figure out Artwork, Rework office and music spaces  + Create daily routines.</p>
<p>Goal 2: Health <br>Action steps: Practice Yoga (any amount) daily, Do a full practice of Yoga 1x a week, Continue Running 4x week, Reduce coffee to 1 cup a day, Reduce alcohol to weekends</p>
<p>Goal 3: Creative - Secure a 2019 residency / Be Visible Again -&gt;Reconnect with Past Collaborators - Reach out to New Collaborators<br>Action steps: Work on the song of Evan Francis' friend that he sent you, Reach out to <a contents="Nathan Clevenger" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.nathanclevengermusic.com/" target="_blank">Nathan Clevenger</a>, Reach out to <a contents="Sam Sadigursky" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://samsadigursky.com/" target="_blank">Sam Sadigursky</a>, Reach out to <a contents="Lisa Mezzacappa" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.lisamezzacappa.com/" target="_blank">Lisa Mezzacappa</a> and finally have coffee with her, Build a next live band based off of my new recording and other works, Practice daily (any amount), Actively seek out and listen to things that are new and unfamiliar</p>
<p>Goal 4: Happiness<br>Action steps: Stop dark dwelling and emotionally freezing and be more present, Actively seek out and make new foods and recipes, Book a babysitter regularly, Start meditating, Start writing on real paper and not just digitally, Go to sleep earlier more often</p>
<p>It feels embarrassing to share these, but there they are. </p>
<p>I was supposed to attach calendar dates to the action steps, but I haven't quite gotten to that. Still in a buried heart beat. "Be-yond the pulse of time."</p>
<p> </p></div>
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