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<h2 class="heading-secondary heading-blog alt-font">
  <a href="/reflections/blog/5179693/entregar-to-deliver">Entregar, to deliver</a>&nbsp;<span class='reset-font'>&nbsp;<span class="podcast"><img src="//assets-app-production-pubnet.bndzgl.com/assets/usersites/podcast-ff0f451d9e650aa49c1c887f1b4eab6655e151de0aba4c11a992f6637163c058.png" /></span></span>
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  <div class="message"><p>Sometimes I hear Spanish words as song titles. Sometimes as lyrics.</p>
<p>This song developed across 2003, recorded in 2004 and released in 2005 is one of those.</p>
<p>I didn't know the word entregar, but it came to mind. I looked up what it meant. One meaning was "to deliver" and that seemed right for the rest of the lyrics that I had written.</p>
<p>I don’t speak Spanish. I should speak Spanish. I studied it in high school, I studied it in college. I studied four years of Latin. I bought some CDs again 5 years ago. I'll sign up for babbel tomorrow. </p>
<p>It’s in there, but isn’t developed. I am not in enough dominantly Spanish-speaking environments on a daily basis to force the language out of its hermit crab shell. Right now it just peers out and tries to crack a joke where it can:</p>
<p>Un perro y un gato se siente en el patio.</p>
<p>El perro preguntas "Como estas?" y el gato dice "Ohhh, ,meow bien. Meow bien." <br> </p>
<p>:D</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>The saxophone sound at 2:31 on this track recorded in 2004 is the sound I now hear in 2018 at sunset each night. It is the sound of geese at sunset in Grass Valley. </p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Improvisation. The conversations these musicians have with each other. Like little cities.</p></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2018-04-16T23:11:13-07:00" title="April 16, 2018 23:11">04/16/2018</span></p>

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  <a href="/reflections/blog/5175359/i-quit-my-job">I quit my job.</a>&nbsp;<span class='reset-font'>&nbsp;<span class="podcast"><img src="//assets-app-production-pubnet.bndzgl.com/assets/usersites/podcast-ff0f451d9e650aa49c1c887f1b4eab6655e151de0aba4c11a992f6637163c058.png" /></span></span>
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  <div class="message"><p>(in 2003)</p>
<p>On a day's notice. It's the only time I've done that. </p>
<p>"How dare I ask for more money...When someone asks you to step up, you say yes!" he roared red-faced in front of the entrance lobby of my work as everyone looked through the glass wall office. I tried to stay neutral. I was shaking...that shake. With every roar, I tried to diffuse his anger, 'he can escalate, but I will neutralize' was what I kept saying to myself, but then he got me. His "how dare I take advantage of the company in its moment of need" flew like a giant fishing hook into my gut and it was over. This strange uproar was the result of my request for more money, not even a request, consideration of a request!  This ugliness. This master and slave ugliness and that's when I started crying, bawling. And then, seeing I was broken, he calmed from his ten alarm fire of distraction down to zero - so fast, I realize in retrospect the creepy speed at which he shifted gears. Without a trace of his rage he calmly offered that the job was just like family, how I'd rethink my position over the weekend and come back clear-headed. </p>
<p>I did. And I quit.</p>
<p>I remember what I was wearing in that shaking moment. It was a mint cotton 3/4 sleeve shirt and black straight leg jeans.</p>
<p>Close door. Open new one.</p>
<p>Possibly the same day, but more likely the next one, I walked down the street and right into Todd Brown's studio in San Francisco, a studio which would become Red Poppy. I would tell him I just quit my job and needed a place to play. He would tell me he had been talking about that 5 minutes prior to my arrival.</p>
<p>I started playing there weekly across I think a year or so? That weekly conversation, the rotating cast of musicians - who can do the gig this week? - that's what you need to develop something, anything really. Time, relationship, and some really talented people who are willing to go down your road just to see where it leads. Thanks to everyone who showed up during that time.</p>
<p>It's strange to look back and see the community that surrounded me then and at the same time remember feeling alone. I felt alone with these songs. I think I still felt on the wrong side of urgent.</p>
<p>I didn't know I was just dreaming about today.</p>
<p>I can wonder how it would have changed things, or I can recognize that's what is happening the next time I feel alone with my perspective. </p>
<p>On a related and not related note, <a contents="this article" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science/talking-to-whales-180968698/" target="_self">this article</a> from start to finish.</p></div>
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  <a href="/reflections/blog/5163354/end-of-chapter-1-floored">End of Chapter 1: Floored</a>&nbsp;<span class='reset-font'>&nbsp;<span class="podcast"><img src="//assets-app-production-pubnet.bndzgl.com/assets/usersites/podcast-ff0f451d9e650aa49c1c887f1b4eab6655e151de0aba4c11a992f6637163c058.png" /></span></span>
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  <div class="message"><p>I am lying on my back on the ground in Dave Bell’s recording studio. My elbows are crossed over my face. I am listening to the playback of this take. I am listening to Leonard Thompson’s solo. I am realizing how much music happened in such a short span of recording.</p>
<p>Do you hear what I hear when you listen to these tracks? </p>
<p>Do you hear a tidal wave? Some other-worldliness? Some all-encompassing language more present than words? </p>
<p>Is it breathing?</p>
<p>...The lyrics to this song never fully made sense to me until now. </p>
<p>This is freedom.</p>
<p>At the end of this take, at the end of this session, I will close the door of the studio and I will feel the urgency of contrast. I won't understand where I fit in or how. I will be heartbroken that the world does not hear a tidal wave too. I I won't value the response I do receive.</p>
<p>It's OK. It's life. I'll make it through.</p>
<p>Charles Mingus will help. There's an interview of him that I still can't find. I heard it on cassette tape, loaned out from the Sunnyvale Library back when there was microfiche. I wish I could find that tape and hear his exact words. Something about how when you make music, you picture people dancing in the streets. And how that's not what happens. I don't think he says that last part explicitly. He just says you make music and you picture people dancing in the streets....</p>
<p>I will feel floored again. Floored without containment or urgency. In Boston in May 2014.</p>
<p>At sunrise, I will walk across town and listen to a recording from Dayna Stephens of a work of mine that he recorded by surprise. A work I wrote for him a few years after Composition's recording. A work I knew was his when it was just  in my head, while in the passenger seat of a car, driving westward on the Bay Bridge, just passing Treasure Island. In my right peripheral vision, I will see golden sparkles lifting from low left to high almost like an overlay to the silhouette of Treasure Island at sunset. In this quiet moment I will smile to know that "Amber is Falling" is Dayna's. I will know I should give it to him, and I do.</p>
<p>I won't remember I've seen glitter once before, in 1996, when Adrian Orme died.</p>
<p>- I've re-written this next section all week, so I'll stop trying to rewrite it and just let you read these elements. -</p>
<p>From the side view, any activity in a cylinder that happens along a cylinder appears in a sequence, but view the activity from one end of the cylinder and it becomes layered co-existence. I'm reminded of <a contents="SLAC" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://www6.slac.stanford.edu/about/slac-history" target="_blank">SLAC</a> and a grade school tour of the facility. Particle acceleration.</p>
<p>Now consider these things again: I will envision golden leaves which I will interpret to be a statement of some kind that Amber is Falling is song that cosmically belongs to Dayna. I will record that song with John Shifflett and the many members of the True Believers in 2005. Nearly a decade later, Dayna Stephens will record it with artists I greatly admire. It will feel like the heavens open. I will feel like I belong and I will feel in awe of how beautiful it is that each of these artists will contribute their best. Every choice they make will be incredible. I will hear a tidal wave in their sound. Dayna will call his album Gratitude (in honor of his own life, saved by his aunt who donated her kidney to save him) and will release it on April 7, 2017. </p>
<p>John Shifflett will pass away on April 27, 2017. RIP, John.<br><br><a contents="here" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B1vXo_cdDGIxV0xGSnUyOVdVaHlHckxyWkRIaWFPSnllanhF" target="_blank">Here</a> is the recording of Amber with John Shifflett in 2005.</p>
<p>And <a contents="here" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://daynastephens.net/music/gratitude/" target="_blank">here</a> is an excerpt from Dayna's recording in 2014/released in 2017. (Purchase his album. You won't regret it.)</p>
<p><img src="//images.zoogletools.com/u/57215/20c365225fc0729afced7c1e26023756b2f65dd3/medium/img-5594.jpg" class="size_m justify_left border_" /></p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p><br>Stained glass artwork by Tim Bulkley.</p></div>
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<h2 class="heading-secondary heading-blog alt-font">
  <a href="/reflections/blog/5161200/hellfire-and-orange-juice">Hellfire and Orange Juice</a>&nbsp;<span class='reset-font'>&nbsp;<span class="podcast"><img src="//assets-app-production-pubnet.bndzgl.com/assets/usersites/podcast-ff0f451d9e650aa49c1c887f1b4eab6655e151de0aba4c11a992f6637163c058.png" /></span></span>
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  <div class="message"><p>You have something unique to offer. </p>
<p>This is what most healthy parents tell their children.</p>
<p>It's true.</p>
<p>It's as true as your face.</p>
<p>I can't explain the hellfire urgency that accompanied trying to offer this uniqueness in my twenties. I hated it. When something's urgent, it means it's not here and it's not now. This urgency was an unwelcome obstacle. I would hear it in recordings. It was the extension of the shake. in the middle of Rome, in the middle of legendary producers and other young artists, I would feel it, and I would hate it. Leroy Burgess would yell across a crowd to me "Michelle, you're SO SAD!" or maybe he said mad? It was pretty much both. That he could see it made it even worse.</p>
<p>It's the kind of angry urgency I've only seen a few times, once when I worked in my parents' cafe. A man in his 50s walked in, irate. "GIIIVE MEEE ORANGE JUICE!!!" he roared. I was stunned. My dad was familiar with the situation, but he wasn't behind the counter. "Pupa, get the man some orange juice!" and in minutes the roaring monster turned into a human being. In case you are wondering, Pupa, pronounced poo-pah but without hanging out too long on the vowels, is one of my dad's names for me from the many names in his imagination. Pupita, Puca (this one was actually granted by my godfather and means imaginary 6-foot rabbit. Thanks! I'll take that). Years later my oldest brother would insist that Cachoomba was an original part of the nickname lexicon. He would perpetuate this propaganda until now when people's memories are fuzzy. It was not, though you can expect to see a comment below from him if he reads this. Who knows. Maybe it was what they called me behind my back! I didn't hear it until my late 20s, so I call bull, is all I'm saying. Besides, it has an unpleasant sound. </p>
<p>I wasn't urgent about music growing up. Music was just a part of life. Go swimming. Eat food. Climb a tree. Ride your bike around the block. Play the piano. Make up some music. There's some TV in there and me trying to sneak in rock and roll on my stereo in my room. (Rock and roll was not allowed. :D!)</p>
<p>I don't remember my first song, but I remember my second song, which I made in high school and which I think I created as a soundtrack to a high school memories video? My dad had a camcorder that I had quickly made my own. That thing was heavy!! But I loved bringing it everywhere and catching pieces. And if anyone out there has that VHS gift I made, please share it back. I remember fragments only and I'm fairly confident there was an overuse of the built-in effects! YEAH!!</p>
<p>This second song is one I have remembered clearly for years. <a contents="I just sat down to record it for you." data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="https://drive.google.com/open?id=1hdCIXt22pqG4rnGJTJUUSYO6uxWakyzS" target="_self">I just sat down to record a rough for you.</a> (It's done on my phone, so you know...production quality.)</p>
<p>I don't remember my first song, but I remember playing it for my godfather. I think I was in middle school? I remember it having a rag-time feel. I think. I remember the beautiful brown tigerwood upright piano that my mother refinished. And I remember my godfather standing about 3 feet behind me. Listening. He didn't say anything, really. He asked me to play it again. A few times. He asked me if it was mine.</p>
<p>At that time, he was just my godfather, as in a person who has no identity except the role they play in your life. I mean that was one aspect of who he was. He was also a crooner. That's how my godfather met my dad and became friends. He would sing and my dad would accompany him in San Francisco. Back in the day. Those two on the town. Now that's something. Imagining these two made me imagine hellfire and orange juice as a cocktail. Guess what? <a contents="It is one!" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.gayot.com/blog/short-order-nancy-silverton-burger-restaurant/hellfire-cocktail/" target="_blank">It is one!</a></p></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2018-04-02T22:43:50-07:00" title="April 02, 2018 22:43">04/02/2018</span></p>

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  <a href="/reflections/blog/5155514/i-feel-anxious">I feel anxious.</a>&nbsp;<span class='reset-font'>&nbsp;<span class="podcast"><img src="//assets-app-production-pubnet.bndzgl.com/assets/usersites/podcast-ff0f451d9e650aa49c1c887f1b4eab6655e151de0aba4c11a992f6637163c058.png" /></span></span>
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  <div class="message"><p>I’m in a car. </p>
<p>For a while. </p>
<p>The best thing that I can do is breathe deeply. I breathe in the most that I can. I try to breathe in to each last lung pocket. (The word crepuscular came to mind just now, a word i don’t remember ever really learning. I had to look it up just now. This happens regularly when writing. Words come out that I don't remember ever learning or using before. Crepuscular means relating to twilight.)</p>
<p>I try to use the technique from Brent Blair’s acting class. I breathe in to every last corner. It doesn't feel like it's enough. I feel conscious of the pockets that aren't getting filled, that the inhalation isn't big enough. After a few breaths like this, I decide to hold it at the top of the inhale and exhale, waiting to notice any small microcosmic difference. I feel stiff. I feel myself over-expecting with every breath. I will need to do this for 30 more minutes to feel a margin of relief. I will share with whomever is next to me that I am anxious. This time it is my husband. He will squeeze my knee to acknowledge.</p>
<p>The best thing for me not to do is flip through every aspect of my life to try and uncover what might produce the cause. What might match up exactly to this deep and nameless anxiety. This is the best thing for me not to do because there is no matchup. </p>
<p>The best thing for me to do is let it come and let it go. It has a crescendo. It has a denoument.</p>
<p>This is the best thing for me to do.</p>
<p>“It’s Just A Thought” </p>
<p>My father wrote the music. He’s written a lot of songs but is not a lyricist. It took a few years for me to complete the lyrics. </p>
<p>Scott Sorkin is playing guitar here, beautifully.</p>
<p>The album cover pictured here did not feature this song, but it does feature amazing versions of Moon River, Laura and <a contents="more" data-link-label="" data-link-type="url" href="http://www.augustoamadormusic.com/" target="_self">more</a>.</p></div>
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  <a href="/reflections/blog/5141546/why-do-you-want-to-make-a-cd">Why Do You Want to Make a CD?</a>&nbsp;<span class='reset-font'>&nbsp;<span class="podcast"><img src="//assets-app-production-pubnet.bndzgl.com/assets/usersites/podcast-ff0f451d9e650aa49c1c887f1b4eab6655e151de0aba4c11a992f6637163c058.png" /></span></span>
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  <div class="message"><p>"Why do you want to make a CD?"</p>
<p>This was one of two instances (that I remember) where someone more experienced asked me a question that I didn't fully hear until years later. </p>
<p>The first time was when I was in college and decided to change my major from acting to political science. My father kept asking "But what are you going to do?” (I remember the "doooooo" having a kind of echo through the payphone receiver.)</p>
<p>What he meant was "what are you going to do with a political science degree; what are you going to do for work? You're a musician and how will that help you get work?"</p>
<p>I think I couldn’t hear my dad then (he would argue "ever!" haha, very funny Pops!) because I just wanted to get out of school. To me, political science was the fastest way that was still interesting. I really just wanted to be a professional musician and I was discouraged that transferring to the BA program for music meant starting over and gaining more debt. (Besides, obviously the clear path for anyone who has studied acting, writes music and has a degree in political science is to become an arts administrator for outstanding arts organizations on the east and west coasts and record albums every four years. I mean DUH, right?)</p>
<p>The second time a question skipped over me was when Ann Dyer - vocalist, dancer, and now director of Mountain Yoga - asked me why I'd want to make a CD. At the time she was also marketing director for SFJAZZ. Somehow, when my green self came into her office to ask if she'd have time to meet with me to share advice on the music business, she decided to make the time. She welcomed me into her home. We talked about this and that. She asked me that question and what I think she meant was why did I literally want to make a CD, and more to the point of experience, "what are you going to do with the 1,000 CDs in your garage?" Cuz that's what happens when you make a CD, unless you have a plan to sell them. Good point, Ann! I think I'm down to 500  at this point, so you know...progress! ;) </p>
<p>I couldn’t hear Ann then, because I was following some play book laid out by articles on "what to do next", but there is no clear path for an artist, it's your own. But you sure seek one out. Or I did anyway. I just wanted a clue of what to do, where to go, and to feel like there was some path carved out that I was safe to follow.</p>
<p>Sometimes I'm sorry I didn't transfer to music school. I see the relationships that formed, the community that I might have had in being somewhere at the same time with other people who were trying to grow their skills. </p>
<p>I'm not sorry I made a CD. I'm so glad I recorded these ideas. I'm so lucky I got to record these ideas with these people!! I'm so grateful to have a chance to reflect. You can't reflect on undeveloped ideas, or you can on your own, but they don't engage on a broader scale. I have a box of cassette tapes with short ideas from years ago, a box of written out song ideas, and 200+ short recordings on my phone that are great evidence to that fact.</p>
<p>My point is...I'm happy I etched out the moments in time that I did. </p>
<p>There's something I keep thinking about from the first post in this blog to the memory of talking with Ann. I'm not sure that I'll write this out clearly, I've rewritten it a few times, so bear with me for this last section...</p>
<p>I'm the age Ann was when I came bounding up asking her questions. The college grads are the same age I was when they asked questions of me. And how a recording is a moment in time that still lives on. Past. Present. and Future. </p>
<p>I am the younger me, I am me now, and I'm some future me, all in this moment. I am here and I am there(s). Contributing to this --  I am also living in CA and working with people in Brooklyn. I am in two time zones at once. </p>
<p>This shifts my perspective from 360 degrees to something spherical. From flat to 3D. (On a side nerd note, if you are wondering how many degrees are in a sphere, you would be asking the wrong question. Spheres can't be measured in degrees.Turns out they are measured in steradians or square degrees. There are 4 pi, or approximately 12.5664, steradians in a complete sphere.)</p>
<p>I feel a deeper, more immediate appreciation of the path I am taking, a path that doesn't have the comfort of a well-worn mud pathway to follow, but diverges through the field. I'm compelled.</p>
<p>As I walk around town thinking about this I am filled to tears with appreciation for the relationships and community around me. This is a greater depth of gratitude than I've known before. </p>
<p>Here's to life in 4 pi!</p>
<p>Thanks for being here. Thanks for listening.</p></div>
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  <a href="/reflections/blog/5135340/i-used-to-shake">I Used To Shake</a>&nbsp;<span class='reset-font'>&nbsp;<span class="podcast"><img src="//assets-app-production-pubnet.bndzgl.com/assets/usersites/podcast-ff0f451d9e650aa49c1c887f1b4eab6655e151de0aba4c11a992f6637163c058.png" /></span></span>
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  <div class="message"><p>The first time I sang as myself - not as part of a choir, not as an actress playing a character - I shook. Visibly. Violently.</p>
<p>I was looking down. Shaking. And singing. I could not lift my head. I could not stop myself from shaking. And I could not stop singing.</p>
<p>Tapping in to that energy is exhilarating.</p>
<p>It’s a lightning rod. It’s the truth.</p>
<p>And it's hard for me to do. Singing is the hardest thing I do. I am always failing at it. </p>
<p>It used to be harder; back when I would hate everything I did. Back when the time before a show felt like an hour of navigating real fears of spontaneous combustion. And when the time after a show was filled with the deepest heart-breaking-est disappointment in myself. I wasn't a clear channel. I wasn't Sarah Vaughn. I wasn't Carmen McRae. I wasn't even me. UGH.</p>
<p>...Funny the things you can tell yourself. Who else can you be?</p>
<p>I say "back when" but I didn't stop shaking in one way or another until I turned 40. I mean, I guess it's still there sometimes, but something changed for the better.</p>
<p>"Hold On" </p>
<p>It's 1998. I'm 23.</p>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2018-03-19T00:26:21-07:00" title="March 19, 2018 00:26">03/19/2018</span></p>

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  <a href="/reflections/blog/5125303/first-time-in-a-long-time">First Time In A Long Time</a>&nbsp;<span class='reset-font'>&nbsp;<span class="podcast"><img src="//assets-app-production-pubnet.bndzgl.com/assets/usersites/podcast-ff0f451d9e650aa49c1c887f1b4eab6655e151de0aba4c11a992f6637163c058.png" /></span></span>
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  <div class="message"><p>For the first time in a long time, I'm going to communicate. Out from under the rock. Out from a space I like to go to. Out from hibernation. I'm going to make some kind of effort. Against the reverse magnet feeling I've come to have about this.</p>
<p>It must be starting to be spring.</p>
<p>I moved. We moved. </p>
<p>We moved from cities (homes for the last 20+ years) to the forest. Now we live in the forest.</p>
<p>In this move, I was confronted with box after box of music. My music. My past in music. Some kind of trail. Am I still a musician? Maybe the college graduates I'm scheduled to meet with on Thursday will be able to tell me. I'm part of a group discussion panel on how to maintain being a practicing artist and an arts administrator. </p>
<p>Maybe I'll understand if I look at each song. What is it I've written? What did I feel so motivated by to engage other people, many I barely know, in learning, recording, performing, and sharing? What do I invest in again and again?...And why did I desert these ideas so soon after they were created? </p>
<p>Don't know. Just know to listen.</p>
<p>First up? Element of Soul</p>
<p>Here's what I remember: I remember asking people to listen to it, this first album. I remember hating my voice and loving my voice. I remember I was taking piano from Don Haas before this album. I remember recording at Dave Bell's studio. I remember John Shifflett and my first memory of him as a happy bee of a bass player. I miss John Shifflett. I remember Leonard Thompson. I remember finding Michaelle Goerlitz. I remember listening in the booth with my then boyfriend now husband Tim Bulkley. I remember sharing it with people and I remember Howard Wiley singing the chorus back to me "Find, element of soul...can you find element of soul?"</p>
<p>I remember sitting on the bus for the cover photo. Nicholas Furnari took the picture and Megan Claire Riedel did the graphic design. Megan and I were friends. We still are. We met because we lived in the same apartment bulding, in the same room of our floor plans. We also worked together. She for a graphics company and me for SFJAZZ. Nick was one of the roommates in my apartment and a great photographer.</p>
<p><img src="//images.zoogletools.com/u/57215/d424d16ce94827cf3c0338880f0d20b95bb75292/original/composition.jpg" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></p>
<p>This is my life in San Francisco in 2001. </p></div>
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    <li><a type="audio/mp3" data-id="208905" data-artist="Michelle Amador" data-duration="2:56" data-title="Element of Soul" data-category="Plays" data-dest="/podcast/5125303/tracks/208905.mp3" data-zoogle-track="true" class="play" href="#">Element of Soul</a></li>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2018-03-12T23:21:54-07:00" title="March 12, 2018 23:21">03/12/2018</span></p>

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