I wanted to write this post last week, but I didn't want to overwhelm you with what's in my head. It's pretty negative in here. I've recently more consciously heard the barrage of negative feedback that I think has been an auto-pilot for possibly my whole life. I started to write out a simulation to the experience but it became too much to read. It is akin to immediately questioning or deriding myself for every decision, no matter how mundane, immediately before during and after the moment of any thing I am deciding for myself.
This is exhausting and makes me want to retreat further. To not post, to not practice, to curl up and disappear.
I am mostly able to look at these questions calmly, but I'm also not able to look at them calmly. I am mostly at the edge of constant disappointment in myself.
I couldn't figure out a cover tune to sing this week; I couldn't figure out how to feel like I could or should cover someone else's song.
I thought about this song that I wrote awhile ago, "One in a Million". It was designed to sing to myself when in doubt.
It will come as no surprise given my current state that I am not particularly happy with this version. Many bad habits that I hope to shed, some expressions I'd like to change, and even words that I would like to change or extend.
In short, this is a work in progress.
I also thought of this song because a young friend of a friend, embarking for the first time in trying to realize her dreams, found herself so discouraged about the real world obstacles to achieving her dream. "I want to help these people realize their dream," she said through tears, "but I also just want to be realizing my own dream." All I could think was how there's probably not a human out there who doesn't know how that feels. For that moment, I thought of how easy it is to forget we are lucky. When we are distressed, we don't think of all there is to be grateful for, we despair. We don't remember sometimes even how to be filled with gratitude and trust.
Also sharing "Things" from a past album, free to download.